Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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