your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
