i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
