Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
