There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
