thus making me awesome and them whores
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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