I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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