Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
