She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
