Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
