fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
