She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
