Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
