i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize