i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize