Only a mothe r could love this liver
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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