her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
