Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
