She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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