I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize