my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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