im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
