I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
