I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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