I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
