the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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