Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
