My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
