We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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