get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
