I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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