I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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