I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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