there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
