does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
