dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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