Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
