I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
