so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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