Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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