You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
