i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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