You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
