Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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