i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
