just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
