The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
