Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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