saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
