I'm really into asian looking animals
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize