Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize