I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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