If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
