I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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