she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
