Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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